Payback Anger

     In Houston, Texas, a man using his gun robbed diners in a taqueria restaurant. The robber was on the verge of leaving that restaurant when he was shot 9 times by a vigilante diner, who then helped diners recover their money robbed at that Houston taqueria restaurant before disappearing.

     The police later discovered that the suspect’s weapon was only a “plastic gun.” Texas police began searching for that vigilante diner, with that “you-take-my-cash-I-take-your-life” mindset out of anger.

      Anger is more than a feeling; it’s a functional emotion. Its objective is to stimulate your mental awareness and direct your physical attention to something important going on in your own psychological world. Emotions are informants. Positively experienced emotions bring gratitude in appreciation, joy in fulfillment, and pride in accomplishment. Negatively experienced emotions bring anger, anxiety, danger, fear, frustration, worry, and even violence.

     Anger is about threats and violations to your wellbeing. So, being able to feel anger and use anger to safeguard your own personal wellbeing is important. People who can’t get angry often end up accepting aggressions and violations of their wellbeing. Many victims of family abuse simply adjust to verbal threat or even physical violence and accept mistreatment as an unhappy fact of life. They learn to deny its emotional impact, to rationalize its harm, and even to avoid upsetting the abuser. Adults, who’ve learned these “survival” skills as children, often end up marrying into abusive relationships not because they want to, but because they unconsciously feel the abuse comfortably familiar and even normal.

    Angry No More: A new book on how to control and eradicate your anger.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

A Good and Happy Marriage

Foundation of a good and happy marriage

 A good and happy marriage makes you younger and healthier for longer.

A happy and good marriage is based on the following:

Caring

Caring is different from smothering your spouse with love. Caring is loving and understanding, and putting yourself in the other’s shoes to see the other’s point of view.

Caring is developing sensitivity to the fact that your marriage partner has very different needs from your own.

Commitment

Always commit yourself to changing yourself first, rather than your spouse. If you cannot change yourself, do not expect your spouse to change. Also, if he does not choose to change, any manipulative behavior, commanding, or nagging will not bring about changes in your spouse.

Commit yourself with your spouse, in the beginning of a marriage, to establishing a common value system or priorities, upon which both of you will base your future decision-making, especially with regard to money matters.

Communication

Communication is sharing both feelings and thoughts with your marriage partner.

Communicate with confidence, not with sarcasm or venom. Remember, the tongue is “a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” (James: 3:8-10)

Communicate in a timely manner. Timing is important: you can say the right thing at the wrong time, and miss the mark.

Communicate your heartfelt feelings: express you needs and wants in a specific yet non-demanding way to your spouse.

Make a list of your love needs—which must be specific, achievable, and not requiring much time or money e.g. watching a favorite TV program together.

Communicate with appreciation and wisdom.

For example, regarding forgetting your birthday and wedding anniversary, do the following:

Let him know your feelings about these dates.

Start a family calendar as a casual reminder of important dates in your life.

If he remembers them, show your appreciation; if he doesn’t, don’t punish him.

Communicate with honest sharing of feelings. Affirm your spouse whenever he shares his feelings with you. This promotes openness and sharing of feelings.

Communicate with understanding to a passive listener or a reluctant communicator.

Most men are passive listeners: to acquire his unique personality, a boy learns not to listen to his parents as he grows up into adulthood.

To communicate effectively, do the following:

State precisely how you feel and what you want.

Be selective, and prioritize you needs.

Refrain from nagging or lecturing.

To many women, talking things out will make a relationship work; to many men, continuing to talk things over means the relationship is not working. Therefore, understanding this glaring gender difference may put you in a difference perspective when communicating with your spouse.

Dealing with marital conflicts

Marital conflicts are bound to occur in any marriage due to the complexity of human personality and the difficulty in satisfying some of the basic human needs.

Decline in sexual desire or frequency

Drop-off in post-marital sexual desire is common in marriages due to the concern of sexual performance on your partner. Unlike you, he cannot fake sex. So he may resort to decreasing the frequency to avoid the frequency of poor performance. Understanding this male psychology may give you better perspective when it comes to sexual matters in a marriage, especially in a young marriage.

To help your partner overcome his lack of confidence or interest, give him plenty of compliments, not criticism, during and after the sexual act. Be patient, and more importantly, be honest with your own needs. Compromising your own sexual needs may lead to frustration, which may subsequently be reflected in undesirable marital behaviors.

If you want him to act like a young man, you have to begin acting like a young woman to him yourself.

On the other hand, if sex is a lower priority in your marriage, it is your choice, too.

Always choose a more effective total behavior that gets your needs satisfied.

Nora Wise

Copyright© by Nora Wise

Spiritual Wellness to Live Longer

Spiritual Wellness

As opposed to materiality, spirituality is always invisible, immeasurable, but present and lasting. It is like the wind—it is invisible and yet palpable. It provides guidance, direction, and understanding to the mind. Spirituality takes the form of love, joy, and peace, and it is often expressed in human actions and behaviors. Materiality, on the other hand, is always visible, measurable, and transient. Humans need both spirituality and materiality: the former to understand the self, and the latter to understand the world and the universe around the self. Spirituality not only inspires the mind but also energizes the body—it is a body-mind-spirit connection necessary for the total wellness of an individual.

The pivotal role of spirituality

Your whole being is composed of the physical, the mental, and the spiritual. Your body—the physical—is controlled by your mind—the  mental—which is supervised by your soul—the spiritual. Your spirituality oversees your whole being. Nothing transforms you as much as changing from a mundane to a spiritual attitude towards all your everyday problems.

Living in the physical world is challenging in itself. The challenges often turn themselves into toxins that infest the body as well as the mind. A mind is supposed to control the body, but an infested mind loses much of its control over the body, and thus letting the body do whatever it wants to do, and thus poisoning both the body and the mind. The role of the soul is to provide the mind with instructions and inspirations on how to take care of the body. But the toxins of the mind can also poison the soul, and thus not only stunting the growth of spirituality but also disconnecting the mind from its spiritual source.

There are often times when the mind is at a loss, confused, and helpless, and that is when the soul can be its inspiration and its awakening agent, provided the mind is willing to seek the help of the soul.

Letting go to attain wellness of the soul

Material attachment is a toxic thought that connects material things to the ego of an individual in the physical world. It is the reluctance of that individual to let go of material things that define who that individual thinks he or she is. Attachment to the ego-self and its related material things is the source of human woes, which impact the body and the mind, and ultimately contaminate the soul.

Bottom line: Let go of your ego-self (the gravitational center of attachment). At some point in your life, you have to let go of all your material things because they do not last, and neither do they define who you are. Letting go is the pathway to spiritual wellness.

In addition, emotional attachment is also a toxic thought that is a stumbling block to attaining spiritual wellness. For example, bitterness is a common and rampant toxic thought that batters the mind and bruises the soul. Bitterness cherishes anger, which often turns itself into rage, seeking revenge. Bitterness ultimately devastates the soul.

The bottom line: Do not justify your bitterness. The hurt never justifies the bitterness. Any desire for justice (making it personal) stains and blemishes the soul. Just let go of any attachment to bitterness.

”Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:14-15)

Envy is another attachment that tarnishes the soul. Envy is tantamount to rejecting your own blessings because you are counting the blessings of others rather than yours. Envy is about comparing yourself with others. In life, it is important to believe in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you believe in your Creator? One of the obstacles to believing in yourself is comparing yourself with others. You are who you are; don't try to be someone else that you are not. Envy leads to craving: "wanting more and more" (greed) or "wanting more for less" (taking unfair advantage of others).

The bottom line: Be grateful for what you have; rejoice with those who have more. Let go of attachment to envy.

Fear is a debilitating toxic thought for the toxic soul. This toxic thought is manifested in many forms, such as fear of an outcome (disappointment), fear of loss (refusal to let go), fear of the future (lack of self-belief, or faith in the Creator), and fear of rejection (non-acceptance by others).

Jesus said: "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:27)

"Without faith it is impossible to please God." (Hebrews 11:6)

The bottom line: Let go of "what-ifs" from your mind; nobody knows the future anyway.

Strengthening spirituality

Spirituality is the wisdom to believe—believe in doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong. Many people are spiritual, even though they may not have a religion; they still believe that there is a Higher Being who is in control of the universe and what is happening around, such as the sun always comes out in the east. They are spiritual when they have a heart that feels for themselves as well as for others.

But how does one become more spiritual?

Your soul is your spirituality. Use your consciousness to strengthen your inherent spirituality: be aware of your body-mind-soul connection. Always seek spiritual wisdom.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)

Simplify your life. Clear away all the physical clutters in your life as the first step towards freeing yourself from your material and mundane attachments. Material things do not define who you are. Once you have let go of the physical clutters in your living environment, you may then get to know more about yourself, especially your needs and values, instead of your desires and wants. Remember, needs and wants are not the same; your wants often create toxic desires and their accompanying toxic emotions, resulting in your attachments.

Learn to look within yourself for answers to your life problems: you will become more self-reliant and self-sufficient. Find your inner voice: what you love to do, and what touches your heart and your soul. Your inner self knows the truth when you hear it. Nobody knows you better than yourself—just as there is no better physician than yourself, who know what is best for your body. This intuitive wisdom is self-healing, which gives you a healthier body and mind to nourish your soul. Consciously improve your everyday attitudes and feelings, not just about yourself, but also towards others around you. Each and every moment in your day-to-day interactions with people may provide an opportunity for you to become more spiritual, if you consciously avail yourself of that opportunity to see miracles in your life. Using Mother Teresa’s example, begin by conveying warmth to someone who least expects it, and this generous gesture of compassion is a strong testament to your innate spirituality. It is your spiritual thinking that causes your personality and daily interactions with others to become an expression of your soul: your daily actions speak you mind. A healthy mind is full of spirituality.

Feed your mind with positive thoughts to avoid any distorted thinking that may disenfranchise your soul. Consistently replenish your soul with spiritual feelings, such as unconditional love, generosity, gratitude, and forgiveness, among others. Love melts your resistance to change for the better; without love, you simply continue to perpetuate that you resist, such as resisting to letting go. Generosity is freely giving your time and effort to others, as well as to yourself; it is paying others forward without any selfish interest or expectation. Gratitude will not make you compare your current state of health or wealth with that of others; gratitude is a great attitude in overcoming toxic thoughts of envy and greed that you may still attach to at the back of your mind. Forgiveness is a necessary requirement for health and healing of the mind and the soul; forgive yourself as well as others for all the mistakes done by you, or by others to you—mistakes are necessary for the learning process in life and the empowerment of the soul. Never look back in anger. Just let go of the past.

Spirituality, at a deeper level, means a desire to have a personal relationship with your Creator. Learn to pray. Prayers work by altering your brain chemistry. Like anti-depressant drugs, prayers can help you build up the feeling-good brain chemicals, such as serotonin. Prayers restore your hope, strength, and even health.

With the desire to believe, comes the awareness of your inner longings, as wells as your consciousness of an inner voice speaking to you—the growth and development of spirituality. Then, you must persist and persevere in your search and pursuit of spirituality, such as daily prayers and acts of right mindedness. Finally, further down the road, life crises and daily problems along your life journey may, surprisingly, further awaken you to your own innate spirituality.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

How to Pray

How to Pray

Praying is never easy: often complicated, and even paradoxical.

You’ve got to know what you want so that you can ask what you want in order to get what you want.

So, before you pray, you must know your true self: who and what you really are, and not who and what you wish you were.

Praying is talking to God through your heart, and not your words; repeating a right set of words isn’t as important as your heart talking to Him.

Prayer is God’s gift to anyone who prays for that free gift.

So, to pray for that free gift, you must show your desire to feel God’s presence, which is in anyone and everyone, as well as in anything and everything.

Several decades ago, a former colleague of mine had the opportunity to meet and dine with Gladys Aylward, a British missionary to China, whose amazing story was made into a Hollywood film in 1958: “The Inn of the Sixth Happiness”, starring Ingrid Bergman.

My former colleague told me that at the dinner with Gladys she found it very “odd” that Gladys had repeated almost non-stop “Praise the Lord!” throughout the dinner—when someone passed her a dish, some bread, even salt and pepper, or when someone made a comment. It might not have looked “odd” to someone who’d like to feel the presence of God in every moment of his or her life.

So, from now on, whenever you say “Thank you” aloud, maybe you should also try to say in silence “Praise the Lord!” so that you may feel His presence in your heart.

To feel His omnipresence,  you must also still your thoughts with mindfulness, and live in the now.

Prayer is how you react and respond to His presence in your daily life.

Always begin your prayer with God, and not yourself.

Asking for your needs is self-delusional: God already knows your needs.

Asking for your wants is self-sabotaging: trying to make God change His mind about what He has already wanted for you.

So, don’t pray for “be happy”, “be healthy”, and “be wealthy.”

If you’re blessed with His presence, you’ll still feel your happiness even in your adversities. Depression is humans’ refusal of letting go to receive His presence.

If you’re blessed with His wisdom, you’ll know how to take care of your body, even when you’re sick.

If  you’re blessed  with His grace,  you’ll learn

to let go of your greed and covetousness for your wealth.

Always pray for your trust and obedience: trust that God will give you the power to “respond positively” to any life challenge you may face; obedience that God will give you the wisdom to embrace anything and every-thing to let go of your control of your own destiny.

Remember, your prayers are always answered, but not your own expectations.

The TAO wisdom (the ancient wisdom from China, based on the wisdom of Lao Tzu, the author of the ancient classic TAO Te Ching) shows you how to live your daily life, and how your prayers may be answered.

“An empty mind with no craving and no expectation helps us letting go.

Being in the world and not of the world, we attain heavenly grace.

With heavenly grace, we become pure and selfless.

And everything settles into its own perfect place.”

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, Chapter 3) 

Li Ching-Yuan was probably the longest-living Chinese in history, who died on May 6, 1933 at the age of over 200 years.

This is one of his thought-provoking sayings regarding Zen, an Eastern philosophy about being and a way of thinking:

“Before I had studied Zen for thirty years,

I saw mountains as mountains, and waters as waters.

When I arrived with a more intimate knowledge,

I saw that mountains are not mountains,

and waters are not waters.

But now that I have got its very substance,

I am at rest.

For it is just that I see mountains once again as mountains, and waters once again as waters.”

Li Ching-Yuan

Li Ching-Yuan was talking about awakening or self-enlightenment, which is always effortless and spontaneous. So, if you strive to know and understand anything and everything, the awakening may never come.

You may like to pray, but your prayers are seldom answered; then you’ll see “mountains as mountains, and waters as waters.”

Your desire in seeking God may somehow change your perspectives; then you may see “mountains are not mountains, and waters are not waters.”

But finding God, and living in His presence, you’ll just see that “mountains once again as mountains, and waters once again as waters”—in other words, “prayers are seldom answered or not answered at all” is not only irrelevant but also inexplicable. What really matters is that you’ve found the spiritual wisdom to live your life as if everything is a miracle.

So, don’t use your pre-programmed causal reasoning to make sense out of the senseless in life. Instead, express your trust and obedience to your Creator and fully live in His presence.

Click here to get Why Prayers Are Seldom Answered.

Click here to get The Complete Tao Te Ching in Plain English.

Stephen Lau

Copyright © Stephen Lau

Depression No Depression

 

We are living in a world of depression. Every day many are diagnosed with depression, and many even commit suicide as a way out of depression. 

But depression is all in your mind--your "thinking" mind--how it perceives and interprets all your life experiences. So, to avoid and or heal your depression is to "change" the way you think.

But how?

Use human wisdom--more specifically TAO wisdom, the ancient wisdom from China more than 2,600 years ago. But human wisdom may need spiritual wisdom to live in reality.

Many are not living in reality, but only in fancy and fantasy. That explains why there are so many crimes, sins and evils committed in society. Many have "no accountability" to their conscience or to God; instead, they think it is human right to do whatever they want to do, given that they have the gift of "free will."

If you "live in reality with accountability", you will have no depression.

Depression No Depression

Stephen Lau

FREE BOOK: "Angry No More" 3/30 and 3/31

 

Angry No More

Aging begins as early as late twenties or early thirties, and accelerates as time progresses. Aging causes many problems leading to pain and suffering, and ultimately death. Successful aging requires living in reality.

Unfortunately, many are living in fancy and fantasy, but not in reality. Why not? It is because many commit sins and do evils, thinking they can get away without any accountability as long as they do not break the law and order of their countries. The book of Revelation provides spiritual wisdom for a non-believer to become a believer in order to cope and deal with all the problems of aging. Yes, aging brings about death, but the revelation of aging is eternal salvation.

The TAO in Everything

 

The TAO is the profound wisdom of Lao Tzu, the ancient sage from China more than 2,600 years ago. as 

The TAO has thrived and survived thousands of years for a good reason: what was applicable in the past is still applicable in the present; what was true in the past is still true today. Another testament to this universal truth is that "Tao Te Ching"-- the only book written by Lao Tzu -- is one of the most translated books in world literature -- probably only after the Bible.

The TAO is easy to understand but most controversial. The explanation is that there is no absolute truth about human wisdom, which is all about self-intuition and self-enlightenment. That is to say, your mind is uniquely yours, and your thinking is your own thinking.

The TAO plays a pivotal role in every aspect of your life. With wisdom, you will see the TAO in everything, including the following:

Don't Die     Letting Go    Immune System    Golden Years    Cancer Cure   Yin Yang

No Depression   Healthier Younger   Miracle Living   Money Wisdom    Living Life

Prayers Unanswered   Happiness Wisdom  Nothing Everything   Healthy Pregnancy

Aging Revelation   Marriage Divorce   Deadly Sins   See Better  Biblical Wisdom

No Ego

Go to: TAO in Everyday Life.